Forgiveness is a big concept and takes time. Forgiving is something that can free us. Without it we may keep ourselves imprisoned. Rabbinic thought sees it tied to steps in a relational process connected to repentance, t’shuvah, or turning, reflecting, making amends. As we approach the New Year, or High Holy Days, we are encouraged to look within, ask forgiveness, make amends, and accept apologies with greater effort. This goes beyond the nightly year-round bedtime prayers which invite us to reflect on our behavior towards others that day.
Now that we more intensely look within, we take an accounting of our souls, “Cheshbon haNefesh.” In doing so, we turn, “shuv,” return, make amends to others, providing the opportunity to forgive and be forgiven. We can then begin the New Year with a cleaner slate. We have already entered the Hebrew month of Elul to journey spiritually within. We consider a phrase from the Song of Solomon that the Hebrew letters stand for (6:3).
“Ani l’dodi v’dodi li,” “You are my Beloved as my Beloved is Mine.” This verse suggests a relationship, universal concept that runs through all our lives regardless of our faith, or background. It’s about you, me, us.
Elul’s journey of introspection and self-reflection leads to Tishrei and the High Holy Days. The intensity builds between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. During the ten days between the holidays, the “Yamim Noraim,” or Days of Awe, there is an urgency to heal our interpersonal relationships. We hope through our efforts to be sealed in the Book of Life for another year with the closing of the spiritual gates when Yom Kippur ends at sunset.
How many of us experience anxiety at holiday times when we anticipate seeing family members or people who have hurt us? Some we embrace with love. For legitimate reasons we hold others at a distance. In their book Preparing Your Heart for the High Holy Days: A Guided Journal, Rabbis Kerry Olitzky and Rachel Sabath, consider what brings us to return to community this time of year even with the trepidations of anxiety. They say it is “the promise of t’shuvah, the powerful possibility of repentance, renewal, and return, that affords us the opportunity to change the direction of our lives and reroute them.”
The healing process begins when we admit guilt or true remorse for our hurtful behavior. We must acknowledge the wrongdoing, confess, and change behaviors for the better. After we’ve legitimately changed our behavior, for the healing of interpersonal relationships we must offer the one we’ve hurt a sincere apology face-to-face. Sometimes it helps to have witnesses present. If after three attempts our sincere apologies are rejected, the burden of wrongdoing shifts to the person withholding forgiveness.
A Meditation On Forgiveness
I invite you to imagine your relationship with the Higher Power you might call HaShem (Judaism), Jehovah (Christianity), or Allah (Muslim), Brahman (Hinduism), Waheguru (Sikhism), or something else. How does forgiveness fit into that relationship? Maybe that idea feels too overwhelming. Give yourself time to ponder and reflect on a relationship you can sit with. Find a friend or community with whom to do this healing exercise. Remember relationship you have with yourself. Which relationships have you forged that need cleaning, letting go of? Who needs forgiving: Alive, or dead? Where in your heart is there room for forgiveness? Perhaps it’s not possible currently. Consider that it is in the future.
Envision a person sitting in the center of a circle. Shine light on them. Maybe it is easy. Maybe not. Offer the light anyway, for yourself especially. Speak to the one in the center. Maybe you offer apologies or ask them to apologize. Speak from your heart. Allow them to also speak. Listen to both. Keep shining the light, expanding beyond the person in the middle. Breathe and relax. Inhale and exhale. Keep shining the light. Maybe it’s you in the center. Offer forgiveness or receive forgiveness. Breathe. Offer thanks. Repeat as often as necessary. May your work of forgiveness bring light into your heart. May love be your guiding light. May this exercise offer you freedom. Repeat as necessary.
If you would you like to explore these themes through healing meditation outdoors, you can join Rabbi Yonina for an upcoming nature walk. Please RSVP for location and time to yfoster@jfswny.org.
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